Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
