At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
