i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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