Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
