That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Randomize
