i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
