when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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