I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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