Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
