everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
