I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
