btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
