btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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