I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
