dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Randomize
