I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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