If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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