9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
