i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
