Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
