How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
