What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
