omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
