I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
