So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
not ubering you a puppy
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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