I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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