If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
