please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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