every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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