Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
