dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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