guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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