The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
