We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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