i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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