i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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