Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
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