I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
