Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
