I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
