The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
