you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize