just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
