So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
