I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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