Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
