So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
