Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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