do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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