im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Randomize