i think my tv is drunk
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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