ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
