i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Randomize
