I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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