Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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